Sunday, November 8, 2009

I take Pictures of MA FACE

I love to travel. I travel a lot. This does not mean I am one that buys T shirts that say I went to Hawaii and all I got was this Tshirt, or a magnet that says Reno: the biggest little dump of your life, or a hat that says San Fran; talented homeless people for your buck, or Scottsdale: our home is a desert with houses. Although I hate to admit it sometimes I end up where all the fanny pack carrying, map holding, visor wearing older people end up. I love these people. But then sometimes I end up where the girl that talks or texts on her phone with her friends 24/7 is at. The only thing that these two groups have in common is simply they both are lugging around a device that can capture that moment they are having for the rest of their life. They both in some way have a camera attached to their body. As these groups approach the landmark they approach the pictures they want in different ways. The old woman will always motion old man to get in the picture, the old man then complains but still goes with it. then they both get up and ask somebody to take the picture. This is OK. everyone knows that old people are cute and funny. then you have the young 20 somethings girls that get to the landmark to take their picture. The reaction is usually different. They usually dont read the signs that explain the landmark and they go straight for the picture. Now some of these places have plenty of people around to help them with photos. They simply dont ask. They go and fluff up there hair a little bit. Pooch their lips out in some crazy face, extend their left hand, then hit the button that captures that moment of their head covering 75% of the picture. If it doesnt turn out the first time they repeat the motion til it comes out facebook profile picture perfect. Then after that moment is captured they invite one of their bffs to jump in the picture with them. they both then go through the motion. These girls should have a t shirt that reads " Grand canyon; i sacrificed a picture of one of the most beautiful places on earth to take a picture of my head covering it, now i can have a cool caption underneath my pics, omg im at the grand canyon" or " I went to the great wall of china and all i got was this stupid picture of my face with pooch lips." This weekend as I was in zions national park I watched as a girl took a picture of herself while on her cell phone with pooched lips. Im pretty sure that was a great FB profile pic. Im glad you traveled to a beautiful place to take pictures of your face

Friday, September 11, 2009

T Shirt Fails

Well its a part of life you eat, you sleep, you breathe, and you wear t shirts. I have noticed that this article of clothing can say a lot. Certain brands mean certain things. For example, oh look at that guy wearing that Ed Hardy t. I assume three things usually 1) guy is a tool 2) guy has a membership to golds and hits on girls 3)guy also wears true religion blue jeans. This guy has found it suitable to pay 75 dollars or more to buy this shirt. For yall who don't know what an Ed Hardy shirt is, it is simply a black tee. But you take it and couple it with a seven year old girl with a be dazzler and some fake ta too prints and top it off with a drunk man vomiting on it and you get a Ed Hardy T shirt. These only come in sizes that no man should wear it seems. They always look like they are painted on the individual who wears them. Then you can take the V neck, this seems to be worn like Chuck Taylors, by that I mean anyone can wear it. The hipsters, indies, and scenesters have seemed to conquer this one as of recent. It has and can be worn by old men showing the Burt Reynolds chest patch or the preppy kids with some sort of classy logo attached. The V neck has a popular following in Utah. It is followed like socks and sandals meaning people wear a white T under the V neck T. To me this is like wearing boxers on top of your briefs. Come on Utah kids don't rock that. This usually means you want to look cool and you shop at cool places but your still an idiot. These people can usually be spotted at bars,clubs, bistros, and other places trying to look cool and discussing things that are irrelevant to life. They are usually closet Republicans. Then you got American Eagle T, Aeropostale T, Hollister T. This usually says I'm fresh out of high school. Enough said. This is my favorite, because I am a bigger guy I shop for bigger clothes. My mom used to call it the husky section. I now call it the portly section. The other day I am looking at T shirts at the Ralph Lauren store. There is a man beside me. . They have three cuts of Ts slim fitting, tailored fitting, and classic fitting.They have three sizes XL, 2XL,3XL. So this dude is bigger than most. I sit and watch this guy. He is in the 3x section. He is in the slim fit section. This dude picks up a Slim fitting 3x T shirt and takes it to the counter and checks out. Now there is a few things wrong in this picture, they should never have slim fit and X on the same shirt. Not to be insensitive but I seriously doubt that shirt is going to help that poor man look slimmer. Oh Bob that 3x slim fit has help you cut down 173 lbs in the love handles. No man it don't work. Its like the one time I saw a 500+ lb lady ordering a burrito in the airport with a swine flu mask on. Swine Flu is not as bad as a heart attack. Anyways I'm a big dude but I embrace it. If you are combining X with slim fit it equals not cool. Its like puttin rims on a crappy car

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

That Guy

I have noticed in life there is always That Guy. That guy is a broad term that i narrow down to a stereotypical white male that always is easy to joke on. For example, that guy in Hawaii would be the 50 plus white man with a plastic lei, short cargo shorts, flowered shirts, flip flops, visor, and greets others with aloha. That guy in the south is the beer drinking redneck, full of Obama hating, cut off t shirt with some sort of wild life, lifted truck, chew in the lip, and a confederate flag somewhere in arm range. On the golf course that guy would be the homeboy with expensive clubs, laying on the ground to get the line of the putt, golf shirt tucked in, golf belt, quick to tell you their handicap, quick to make excuses about you beating them, and takes four days to hit a shot because they try to use zen in golf homeboy. There is always that guy in your class. That guy usually in your class always likes to announce his uniqueness. For example, he will say I'm not religious or I'm not into spirituality. Beginning anything with those two phrases allows him to be some sort of prophet of the unruly i guess. He also is quick to misquote a lot of things, for example well according to stock market analysts it cant get any lower (the stock market is back and growing, i read the paper unlike this idiot). He always announces that he is from somewhere HARD, for example he says oh well I'm from Vermont and this is how it happens. WE SHOOT COPS IN MID DAYLIGHT IN LOUISIANA, i am not impressed with Vermont. That guy also seems to have the most skewed ignorant views on politics. He is the one to raise his hand and say "i cant believe we are letting Obama get away with taking away our guns". He also loves to quote Glenn Beck and Rush " while me and rush were passed out in a gutter in Tijuana after a night of jello shots and prescription meds he told me ......" That guy is always the one who bathes in Aqua Di Gio and comes to class and sits by that girl in class. He always tries to impress her with all the above listed things. That guy is the one at the coffee bar on campus who runs around like a squirrel requesting a specialized drink "ah yeah can i get a protein berry chai latte twist with lemon zest, vicatin, cognac, and a shot of espresso". That guy is the one that comes into class late and announces why. "ah sorry teach I'm late because parking is bad and this girl was talking to me in the hall" That guy is the one who is in my class at 8:30 in the morning. I will be fighting that guy in the octagon by semesters end.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I got my tan, I got my hair. I got my pride

So i think the only purpose of my blog is to document the people i come across. i tend to have a problem of joking on others. i am from the south and this is what we do. southerners hate on people all the time. the other day i am going to buy fish in downtown slc. this place is always filled with housewives. they are not the ones you see on tv but they try to look like them. i have noticed utah housewives love suvs, naked juice, expensive blue jeans, and tee shirts that look like a nine year old high on meth made with her bedazzler. anyway so i walk in expecting to see the usual utah hair. for those outside of utah this is a foreign concept. basically it entails somehow getting your hair really streaky blonde or completely white-blonde and then proceeding to mold it into a high block on the backside of your head. the reasoning behind this phenomenom is unknown to many. i think it acts as a great hiding spot for their bottle of prozac or generic anti depressants they have to carry. anyway so i expect to see these things. but the other day i walk in realizing it is summer. that means it is time to bust out the utah housewives tan. take into mind utah is a desert. it is not orange country or south beach miami. i guess these women have been laying out on the beaches of utah lake. so i get behind this lady. as i was looking at her i noticed she had a tan. but this veteran housewife did not have a normal tan or even a orange tan but she had the leather tan. this is when you have to wake up and bathe in armor all or use leather wipes as lotion. this poor soul has reached the point to where her race is now simply leather. her skin was wrinkled like beef jerky. she had the utah hair and the expensive jeans. dear utah future wives please stay away from those gorgeous tanning beds. i felt bad for this lady. the sad thing is she was only probably mid 20s.if i get mid 20s and my face looks like a construction workers leather boot, please do away with me. God bless utah and its weirdness sometimes

Monday, June 8, 2009

How to treat a waiter.

Ok so I waited tables before. I think everyone has done something with food to get by. I kind of likes waiting tables. Its fairly easy. Its fairly fun. and you get straight cash and food. I love the food part because i am a portly white man. I have noticed a few things in my life 1) there are idiots everywhere 2) people on airplanes have BO 3) indie kids are all the same, therefore voiding thier indieness 4) stupid people choose to eat out also. Just on the 4th principle you can write a book. If you think there are no faux pas in eating out then you are one of the stupid people. here are things to avoid. first thing read the menu. It is what waiters are trained off of.there learning capacity is limited to the same thing you got in your hand. The other night while eating sushi a girl asked what is in the cucumber, avocado roll. Well stupid person if you read the menu cucumber and avocado. Its not that difficlut. Do you expect your waiter to say "oh we actually put horse glue and tilapia in that roll." thats all i am saying avoid the obvious. whats in your salad? hmmmm lettuce. also when you eat out dont great your waiter by there name every time they move. like hey rob thanks for the ticket, or thanks for the food rob, or can i get salt rob, or where you from rob. waiters dont want to be your friends unless you pay them. thats right people waiters sell thier lil souls on a nightly basis. they dont want to guess your weight, shake your hand, or drink whiskey sours with you while watching the game. Also waiters do not like when you complain about something small. "uh you forgot my straw" or "uh this dressing is on the side" if they are not busy and they are texting or talking to other waiters its ok to be as rude as you want. if you go out to dinner just simply remember the server is not your slave child that you can mistreat. that brings me to the next point Keep That Bug Eyed, Spaghetti Faced, Noodle throwing monster child at the house. If your kid is buck wild at the house he is the same in public. oh lil johnny stabbed a kid with a matchbox car today lets reward him by taking him out to dinner. This is a warning. Not one person in that eating establishment likes that kid but you. The people who smile at him going in or smiling because they are leaving and getting away from that child. If your child does not want to sit in his seat dont let him roam freely. you tame that kid or scare him to obey. this is not only something that will make your waiter like you but everybody will. I love being interrupted while eating out by a child who is walking up and trying to share with you. he then proceeds to give you a twice chewed once purged dinner roll. people keep your kid in check. i love them just not them and restaurants. ORDER TAKE OUT.
next point is. if you go on a date and you are over 18 dont try to flex your manliness. listen bros we are aware of your extra small t shirt and pasty hair. i dont care how loud you can get when you talk or how cool you think it is to order an obscure drink. can i get a strawberry daquiri with kahlua, hand lotion, kettle one vodka, and white out? hey bro you are not cool get water. also. i know you are on a date but order your food. 45 minutes of you telling her about your workout plan and creatine induced diet is not that flattering. just shut up and order. you can get coffee or your soy chai latte if you want to talk for hours. please bro just get real and eat.she is not caring about what you got to say. anyways as i stated in the beginning this could probably be a book. so i will cut myself off. low tippers is another story and weirdos who request women is another. but to the food industry workers i salute you and praise you for your patience with the occasional stupid person who strolls in. also all the rules are completley void for dennys, ihop, waffle house, pee wees chicken and waffles, village inn, chilis, applebees, and a few other ghettoed out places.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

7-11 my home away from home

So I go to 711 twice a day usually.Once around 11-2 at night. The other time somewhere between 8-11 in the morning. Going to 711 is not something i do out of necessity but something i do as more of a routine. I think i am not the only individual who does this. I know the workers by monikers i have come up with them. For example Raj (actual name) that dude who stinks, that weird girl who listens to stupid hip hop, that dude who is overly friendly and ask me do i need a bag for my big gulp like it is malt liquor, and finally rajs brother who greets me as "chief" in the morning. Well I have also noticed some people are always there. At night there is the group of guys who thinks it increases their status to go there. They take time off their summer sales meetings and put in their finest pomade to shop at 711. They also drown in Aqua Di Gio and pop their hollister collar. These are the repulsive people that refer to raj by name after every sentence. then there are the girls. they usually come in sweatpants or 80s gear from dancing. They hope the guy with his collar popped does not start a conversation.Or they hope they do because the girls are just experiencing college and the desperation of provo males. then there are the usuals who go just because. you see them in there trying to find a late night snack and continue thier horrible affair with college studying. In the morning you get all the crazy old people. i saw a guy this morning with a glass eye. But my overall favorite character and voted most shadiest person in Provo is the homeless guy that hangs out there. I have noticed that this homeless guy is a real trashy with a hint of classy. For example most homeless people bum money for beer. He on the other hand bums money for colombian roast coffee in the morning. Some bum money for chips, he on the other hand bums for the fruit they have in the basket.Some bums sit in the sun and talk crazy. He can be seen on the corner of University and 8th reading the paper. So obviously this homeless man is the Bentley of homelessness. So the other day when I think man this guy cant get classier, I go to 7-11 I see my homeless 7-11er at the coffee pot. I go to scope his attire. I look, he is of course wearing his usual seamless trash bags. But then I notice he has got sunglasses. Thats right UV rays stay out his life. I then notice they are Chanel sunglasses, the classiest homeless man ever. He then goes to pay for his coffee, he pulls out a Louis Vouitton coin purse. I mean this guy is now classier than anybody else in the store. Decked out in trash bags and designer accesories for the spring.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

gots the money

So pretty much there are some things that i learned about utah in my living here. 1)guys wear more hair product then girls 2) people actually still shop at american eagle and abercrombie and think there cool 3)people are quick to start a "business" and claim they got bank 4) it snows way to much 5) everybody knows how to play an acoustic guitar no matter how bad they suck.
So as far as the third above listed. today i am driving to work. i get behind a saturn, this saturn has damage like it has been through hurricane katrina. Anyway the saturn abd i both go to the same gas station. He pulls to the gas pump so do i. I read the back of his car, it has a huge sticker that reads "want to make 50k a month from home, call me." Then i think man this guy in this beat up saturn is making 600k a year. He must not want to show his money. I then wait for this small business owner to step out to scope his attire. He is wearing a wife beater and pair of rustlers and flip flops. Ok so 600k a year cant buy a car better than a saturn, jeans better than rustlers, and a jacket to put over your hairy chest. So i kindly smile at the guy and say "man 50k a month is alot, what do you do?" he then looks at me and replies " real estate investing" I then look and say " what kind" he replies "well i got this interesting oppurtunity" I interrupt repeat "what kind" he then replies"hear me out" I then reply "commercial, residential, FSBOs, apartments, section 8, etc. etc." this guy looks at me and says "what do you do for income" i answer "i am a product of the recession" "i sell lightbubs" (this was a lie) he then replies " have you ever thought about starting your own business" and i said " can i end up like you?" he then says "sure can" I said "great" he then proceeded to tell me about all the money i can make. I then proceed to tell him about how i dont want to drive a saturn, wear rustlers, and wife beaters. This man got offended and drove off. He didnt even fill up his car. Two days later, I am getting an oil change see the same car in the parking lot. An attendant comes to my window. I look at the guy his shirt says "rob". it was the same "rob" who makes 50k a month. I said hey rob good to see you again. He gives me a snarl. I said oil change and i will tip you if you do a good job. I think this guy probably some how sabotaged my car or that he will kill me soon. If i die find Rob at the jiffy lube in Alpine Utah.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Crazy White kid

As I have attended college I have learned a few important things 1. you spend four years to learn how to become an employee 2. there is always a kid who listens to only his opinion in every class 3. there are alot of people trying to find themselves in college. So going off the third point that I have discovered in my college life, when people are trying to find themselves they usually base it off others. So the other day I am sitting in the hall of flags studying, making fun of others, and sipping on a Gatorade i took from the cafeteria, I notice a young white man. Now this was no ordinary white boy. He actually looked quite gangsteresque to say the least. This is how he appeared, Caucasian, baggy shorts, long black t, a Montreal expos hat tilted to the side straight bill, i pod, and a pair of air force ones. So anyways you think to yourself this guy is "hood". He comes and sits beside me, because one of his homeboys is a seat down. They start talking. This is how I appear at that moment, slacks, leather loafers, pinstripe shirt, paisley tie, hair fixed, and sipping on Gatorade. I think to myself, man this cousin of bubba sparks could only be from l.a or off the cast of I love New York 2. Anyways so he is talking to his boy about underground hip hop. I lean over to the guy eventually and say "hey man where you from?". This guy replies Wyoming.
WYOMING!!!!!!!!!!! you are hood from wyoming.

This is the part where i wanted to slap this son of a cattle driver in the face. I grew up as the minority in my high school, I understand hood and speak some ebonics. This fool is from WY. Thats right the state where there are more cows than people. The state where they have a white point guard and a white running back. The state where they carry guns to hunt not for protection. There population is 97% white and the state motto is equal rights. Equal rights for who? oh wait all the white people.So it goes back to my question: how can you be hood when you aint got a hood? I guess the mountains are ghetto. The only doo rags they wear is bandannas to keep dust out there face while ranching.

So this hood guy is talking like he is off of a lil wayne mixtape. He is using slang and garbage. The moral of the story is if you were in a real hood you would be dead. This guy was shooting dice at yahtzee with his family instead of shooting a dice in an alley sipping cognac. I dont run around saying vato or homes because i dont know any mexican gangsters.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


So i recently decided to make a last of things i am grateful for as part of a class project. Stuff like i am grateful not to stink, to have a nice family, and to be able to survive in the wilderness for long periods of time with no contact from society. This made me think: could i be homeless? And then i realized oh wait! I dont like homeless people. This has come thorugh continual exposure to homeless people. For two years i saw them. First i was christ like and was like oh wait a homeless person i will be nice and give them money. Now i am to the point if you are homeless and i am nice and you dont have manners, i am going to punch you in the throat. Example, the other day in SLC, I spy a homeless person I grab a random wad of cash and give it them. They respond with nothing. No thank you, No smile or headnod, I thought about saying your welcome to be a jerk. I refrained. Instead I walked away just knowing that if I become homeless I am going to be a grateful, portly, homeless man. I will dance for nickels and sing for quarters. This is not being mean or a punk, its just simple If you want my money homeless people, you better get loose to get your bottle of grey goose. also i would suck at being homeless cause i cant grow no facial hair because my momma is asian

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

tailored pants and obnoxious honkeys

So this blog is basically dedicated to the white trash saltines that bring me down. So i like to have my pants tailored to make me feel like i got cash flow. the other day i go to a new tailor (ess), she looks at me all with the stank eye. i look at her with the stank eye. She then ask in her white trash mannerisms "what chu want", I then reply "this is a tailor shop, what you think i want?", I got to get my pants fitting right lady. So i step up on the stool she then proceeds to grab and tuck and asking how do i like my pants. I then tell her. The white trash queen then has a phone call probably from one of the following 1. her cousin who is the father of her child 2. her meth dealer 3. or a payday advance place looking for thier cash. She is talking on the phone frantically while still pinning my pants. Take into mind that this seamtress looks at though her hand eye coordination aint nothing to brag about. I could tell when somebody is uncoordinated. Or maybe its the massive amount of Pabsts Blue Ribbon that she gulped on her way to her seamstress haven. She might have been swervin you never know. Anyways so she is still talking and pinning. She is in the zipper region pinning. So next thing you know my white trash love affair is over as she has stabbed me with a pin and violated my happiness.Moral of the story: I got stabbed in the junk with a pin.Honkeys and pins dont mix. The End