Your annoying on Facebook

Everyone has facebook. Your boss, your mom,your half retarded cousin, the guy who was a nerd in high school and now has tats galore, the one kid you thought was gay who turned out to be gay, the aunt that you hate at christmas, the kid in class that smelled like fritos all the time. You get the point if they breathe and can type they got facebook.As great as this tool is for alot of things there are certain people who annoy me on this social networking site.
1) The dude who likes everything regardless. He likes all your events, status, photos, and comments no matter how crazy it is. You can put on there that you just found out you have cancer and for some reason this guy will thumbs up that crap.
2) Constant status updater. Why do I care if you are eating 5 guys? why do i care if somebody is giving you a weird look? why do i care if you have four finals left?
3) Farmville request. Cmon man. Stop sending me requests. If I could be William Sherman and burn your farm to the ground, I might play it. If I could have a farm ran by the drug cartel and come kill your farmers, I might play it. Overall stop sending me requests.
4) The creepster add. Theres always a fine line, should I add this person or not? But then there is the creepster add with the message affixed. Like "hey remember me from Meteorology class" No man I dont, I took that crap online. Why are you adding me? Isnt 180000 friends for you enough?
5) The misplaced comment. i.e. Ryan Cason likes pancakes : comment- hey long time, how are you?. Fool that has nothing to do with pancakes.

Oh facebook sometimes I have you just to make fun of others. Someone should really make a faux pas list of facebook and invite people to join that group/cause

Bro Schedule

a BROS DAY BOOK
11:00 AM- Wake up to alarm clock blaring Creeds greatest hits, fold Ed Hardy PJs, Make sure hair is still in perfect shape from previous night
11:15- Study self in mirror to still make sure you are the alpha male
12:00- Shower using only the finest of Axe ointments
12:15- Stand over humidifier filled with aqua di gio, get dressed, wifebeater, true religions, affliction t
12:30- Hair time, gel overload
1:00- Inspiration time- Watch Jersey Shore and UFC on split screen for motivation
1:30- Get in lifted truck with volcom sticker, crank up the limp bizkit on the zune and go
2:00- Bro arrival at school, meets with another bro, cracks open a six pack of muscle milk and red bulls and sit in the hall
3:00- Bro goes to class, usaully sits by bleach blonde girl, Bro talks about his strong forearms and his business major, usually invited girl to his study group, if another bro is in the room this will usually result in a bro-block (flexing pecs to draw in the female)
4:15- Bro gets out of class and he is ultra torqued, listens to kings of leon on the zune to calm his nerves, drinks a muscle milk, figures it time to work
4:30- Bro goes to work at the library or school bookstore not as an employee but as a recruiter, Greets others with Whacchu doing this summer? Then tells them about his deal he has to sell something door to door and how you can get chicks all summer
5:00- Bro needs to refuel with red bull and spray on tan
6:00- Heads over to throw down to practice grappling other men
7:00- Prepares for the sun to go down, Re gel hair, Re axe spray body, put on sunglasses ( this is essential to Bro-ness, someone once said nobody but blind people and douches wear sunglasses at night)
8:30- Load friends up in lifted truck
9:00- Del Taco, 7/11, ride around freshman dorms
10:00- attend local club, drink energy drink again, go dance-rape a girl, then try to get on another girl, go look in the bathroom mirror and say the bro mantra, which is "I am the alpha male, all women want me, all men want to be me, I am the alpha male"
11:00- Go hut tubbing with Chicks
12:00- Take the chicks around in your truck
2:00- Curl up in your Ed Hardy Bed sheets and lay to sleep,
2:15- send out booty call text
2:30- accidently fall asleep and dream of a land full of spray on tanned girls with white/blonde hair

I take Pictures of MA FACE

I love to travel. I travel a lot. This does not mean I am one that buys T shirts that say I went to Hawaii and all I got was this Tshirt, or a magnet that says Reno: the biggest little dump of your life, or a hat that says San Fran; talented homeless people for your buck, or Scottsdale: our home is a desert with houses. Although I hate to admit it sometimes I end up where all the fanny pack carrying, map holding, visor wearing older people end up. I love these people. But then sometimes I end up where the girl that talks or texts on her phone with her friends 24/7 is at. The only thing that these two groups have in common is simply they both are lugging around a device that can capture that moment they are having for the rest of their life. They both in some way have a camera attached to their body. As these groups approach the landmark they approach the pictures they want in different ways. The old woman will always motion old man to get in the picture, the old man then complains but still goes with it. then they both get up and ask somebody to take the picture. This is OK. everyone knows that old people are cute and funny. then you have the young 20 somethings girls that get to the landmark to take their picture. The reaction is usually different. They usually dont read the signs that explain the landmark and they go straight for the picture. Now some of these places have plenty of people around to help them with photos. They simply dont ask. They go and fluff up there hair a little bit. Pooch their lips out in some crazy face, extend their left hand, then hit the button that captures that moment of their head covering 75% of the picture. If it doesnt turn out the first time they repeat the motion til it comes out facebook profile picture perfect. Then after that moment is captured they invite one of their bffs to jump in the picture with them. they both then go through the motion. These girls should have a t shirt that reads " Grand canyon; i sacrificed a picture of one of the most beautiful places on earth to take a picture of my head covering it, now i can have a cool caption underneath my pics, omg im at the grand canyon" or " I went to the great wall of china and all i got was this stupid picture of my face with pooch lips." This weekend as I was in zions national park I watched as a girl took a picture of herself while on her cell phone with pooched lips. Im pretty sure that was a great FB profile pic. Im glad you traveled to a beautiful place to take pictures of your face

T Shirt Fails

Well its a part of life you eat, you sleep, you breathe, and you wear t shirts. I have noticed that this article of clothing can say a lot. Certain brands mean certain things. For example, oh look at that guy wearing that Ed Hardy t. I assume three things usually 1) guy is a tool 2) guy has a membership to golds and hits on girls 3)guy also wears true religion blue jeans. This guy has found it suitable to pay 75 dollars or more to buy this shirt. For yall who don't know what an Ed Hardy shirt is, it is simply a black tee. But you take it and couple it with a seven year old girl with a be dazzler and some fake ta too prints and top it off with a drunk man vomiting on it and you get a Ed Hardy T shirt. These only come in sizes that no man should wear it seems. They always look like they are painted on the individual who wears them. Then you can take the V neck, this seems to be worn like Chuck Taylors, by that I mean anyone can wear it. The hipsters, indies, and scenesters have seemed to conquer this one as of recent. It has and can be worn by old men showing the Burt Reynolds chest patch or the preppy kids with some sort of classy logo attached. The V neck has a popular following in Utah. It is followed like socks and sandals meaning people wear a white T under the V neck T. To me this is like wearing boxers on top of your briefs. Come on Utah kids don't rock that. This usually means you want to look cool and you shop at cool places but your still an idiot. These people can usually be spotted at bars,clubs, bistros, and other places trying to look cool and discussing things that are irrelevant to life. They are usually closet Republicans. Then you got American Eagle T, Aeropostale T, Hollister T. This usually says I'm fresh out of high school. Enough said. This is my favorite, because I am a bigger guy I shop for bigger clothes. My mom used to call it the husky section. I now call it the portly section. The other day I am looking at T shirts at the Ralph Lauren store. There is a man beside me. . They have three cuts of Ts slim fitting, tailored fitting, and classic fitting.They have three sizes XL, 2XL,3XL. So this dude is bigger than most. I sit and watch this guy. He is in the 3x section. He is in the slim fit section. This dude picks up a Slim fitting 3x T shirt and takes it to the counter and checks out. Now there is a few things wrong in this picture, they should never have slim fit and X on the same shirt. Not to be insensitive but I seriously doubt that shirt is going to help that poor man look slimmer. Oh Bob that 3x slim fit has help you cut down 173 lbs in the love handles. No man it don't work. Its like the one time I saw a 500+ lb lady ordering a burrito in the airport with a swine flu mask on. Swine Flu is not as bad as a heart attack. Anyways I'm a big dude but I embrace it. If you are combining X with slim fit it equals not cool. Its like puttin rims on a crappy car

That Guy

I have noticed in life there is always That Guy. That guy is a broad term that i narrow down to a stereotypical white male that always is easy to joke on. For example, that guy in Hawaii would be the 50 plus white man with a plastic lei, short cargo shorts, flowered shirts, flip flops, visor, and greets others with aloha. That guy in the south is the beer drinking redneck, full of Obama hating, cut off t shirt with some sort of wild life, lifted truck, chew in the lip, and a confederate flag somewhere in arm range. On the golf course that guy would be the homeboy with expensive clubs, laying on the ground to get the line of the putt, golf shirt tucked in, golf belt, quick to tell you their handicap, quick to make excuses about you beating them, and takes four days to hit a shot because they try to use zen in golf homeboy. There is always that guy in your class. That guy usually in your class always likes to announce his uniqueness. For example, he will say I'm not religious or I'm not into spirituality. Beginning anything with those two phrases allows him to be some sort of prophet of the unruly i guess. He also is quick to misquote a lot of things, for example well according to stock market analysts it cant get any lower (the stock market is back and growing, i read the paper unlike this idiot). He always announces that he is from somewhere HARD, for example he says oh well I'm from Vermont and this is how it happens. WE SHOOT COPS IN MID DAYLIGHT IN LOUISIANA, i am not impressed with Vermont. That guy also seems to have the most skewed ignorant views on politics. He is the one to raise his hand and say "i cant believe we are letting Obama get away with taking away our guns". He also loves to quote Glenn Beck and Rush " while me and rush were passed out in a gutter in Tijuana after a night of jello shots and prescription meds he told me ......" That guy is always the one who bathes in Aqua Di Gio and comes to class and sits by that girl in class. He always tries to impress her with all the above listed things. That guy is the one at the coffee bar on campus who runs around like a squirrel requesting a specialized drink "ah yeah can i get a protein berry chai latte twist with lemon zest, vicatin, cognac, and a shot of espresso". That guy is the one that comes into class late and announces why. "ah sorry teach I'm late because parking is bad and this girl was talking to me in the hall" That guy is the one who is in my class at 8:30 in the morning. I will be fighting that guy in the octagon by semesters end.

I got my tan, I got my hair. I got my pride

So i think the only purpose of my blog is to document the people i come across. i tend to have a problem of joking on others. i am from the south and this is what we do. southerners hate on people all the time. the other day i am going to buy fish in downtown slc. this place is always filled with housewives. they are not the ones you see on tv but they try to look like them. i have noticed utah housewives love suvs, naked juice, expensive blue jeans, and tee shirts that look like a nine year old high on meth made with her bedazzler. anyway so i walk in expecting to see the usual utah hair. for those outside of utah this is a foreign concept. basically it entails somehow getting your hair really streaky blonde or completely white-blonde and then proceeding to mold it into a high block on the backside of your head. the reasoning behind this phenomenom is unknown to many. i think it acts as a great hiding spot for their bottle of prozac or generic anti depressants they have to carry. anyway so i expect to see these things. but the other day i walk in realizing it is summer. that means it is time to bust out the utah housewives tan. take into mind utah is a desert. it is not orange country or south beach miami. i guess these women have been laying out on the beaches of utah lake. so i get behind this lady. as i was looking at her i noticed she had a tan. but this veteran housewife did not have a normal tan or even a orange tan but she had the leather tan. this is when you have to wake up and bathe in armor all or use leather wipes as lotion. this poor soul has reached the point to where her race is now simply leather. her skin was wrinkled like beef jerky. she had the utah hair and the expensive jeans. dear utah future wives please stay away from those gorgeous tanning beds. i felt bad for this lady. the sad thing is she was only probably mid 20s.if i get mid 20s and my face looks like a construction workers leather boot, please do away with me. God bless utah and its weirdness sometimes

How to treat a waiter.

Ok so I waited tables before. I think everyone has done something with food to get by. I kind of likes waiting tables. Its fairly easy. Its fairly fun. and you get straight cash and food. I love the food part because i am a portly white man. I have noticed a few things in my life 1) there are idiots everywhere 2) people on airplanes have BO 3) indie kids are all the same, therefore voiding thier indieness 4) stupid people choose to eat out also. Just on the 4th principle you can write a book. If you think there are no faux pas in eating out then you are one of the stupid people. here are things to avoid. first thing read the menu. It is what waiters are trained off of.there learning capacity is limited to the same thing you got in your hand. The other night while eating sushi a girl asked what is in the cucumber, avocado roll. Well stupid person if you read the menu cucumber and avocado. Its not that difficlut. Do you expect your waiter to say "oh we actually put horse glue and tilapia in that roll." thats all i am saying avoid the obvious. whats in your salad? hmmmm lettuce. also when you eat out dont great your waiter by there name every time they move. like hey rob thanks for the ticket, or thanks for the food rob, or can i get salt rob, or where you from rob. waiters dont want to be your friends unless you pay them. thats right people waiters sell thier lil souls on a nightly basis. they dont want to guess your weight, shake your hand, or drink whiskey sours with you while watching the game. Also waiters do not like when you complain about something small. "uh you forgot my straw" or "uh this dressing is on the side" if they are not busy and they are texting or talking to other waiters its ok to be as rude as you want. if you go out to dinner just simply remember the server is not your slave child that you can mistreat. that brings me to the next point Keep That Bug Eyed, Spaghetti Faced, Noodle throwing monster child at the house. If your kid is buck wild at the house he is the same in public. oh lil johnny stabbed a kid with a matchbox car today lets reward him by taking him out to dinner. This is a warning. Not one person in that eating establishment likes that kid but you. The people who smile at him going in or smiling because they are leaving and getting away from that child. If your child does not want to sit in his seat dont let him roam freely. you tame that kid or scare him to obey. this is not only something that will make your waiter like you but everybody will. I love being interrupted while eating out by a child who is walking up and trying to share with you. he then proceeds to give you a twice chewed once purged dinner roll. people keep your kid in check. i love them just not them and restaurants. ORDER TAKE OUT.
next point is. if you go on a date and you are over 18 dont try to flex your manliness. listen bros we are aware of your extra small t shirt and pasty hair. i dont care how loud you can get when you talk or how cool you think it is to order an obscure drink. can i get a strawberry daquiri with kahlua, hand lotion, kettle one vodka, and white out? hey bro you are not cool get water. also. i know you are on a date but order your food. 45 minutes of you telling her about your workout plan and creatine induced diet is not that flattering. just shut up and order. you can get coffee or your soy chai latte if you want to talk for hours. please bro just get real and eat.she is not caring about what you got to say. anyways as i stated in the beginning this could probably be a book. so i will cut myself off. low tippers is another story and weirdos who request women is another. but to the food industry workers i salute you and praise you for your patience with the occasional stupid person who strolls in. also all the rules are completley void for dennys, ihop, waffle house, pee wees chicken and waffles, village inn, chilis, applebees, and a few other ghettoed out places.