How to treat a waiter.

Ok so I waited tables before. I think everyone has done something with food to get by. I kind of likes waiting tables. Its fairly easy. Its fairly fun. and you get straight cash and food. I love the food part because i am a portly white man. I have noticed a few things in my life 1) there are idiots everywhere 2) people on airplanes have BO 3) indie kids are all the same, therefore voiding thier indieness 4) stupid people choose to eat out also. Just on the 4th principle you can write a book. If you think there are no faux pas in eating out then you are one of the stupid people. here are things to avoid. first thing read the menu. It is what waiters are trained off of.there learning capacity is limited to the same thing you got in your hand. The other night while eating sushi a girl asked what is in the cucumber, avocado roll. Well stupid person if you read the menu cucumber and avocado. Its not that difficlut. Do you expect your waiter to say "oh we actually put horse glue and tilapia in that roll." thats all i am saying avoid the obvious. whats in your salad? hmmmm lettuce. also when you eat out dont great your waiter by there name every time they move. like hey rob thanks for the ticket, or thanks for the food rob, or can i get salt rob, or where you from rob. waiters dont want to be your friends unless you pay them. thats right people waiters sell thier lil souls on a nightly basis. they dont want to guess your weight, shake your hand, or drink whiskey sours with you while watching the game. Also waiters do not like when you complain about something small. "uh you forgot my straw" or "uh this dressing is on the side" if they are not busy and they are texting or talking to other waiters its ok to be as rude as you want. if you go out to dinner just simply remember the server is not your slave child that you can mistreat. that brings me to the next point Keep That Bug Eyed, Spaghetti Faced, Noodle throwing monster child at the house. If your kid is buck wild at the house he is the same in public. oh lil johnny stabbed a kid with a matchbox car today lets reward him by taking him out to dinner. This is a warning. Not one person in that eating establishment likes that kid but you. The people who smile at him going in or smiling because they are leaving and getting away from that child. If your child does not want to sit in his seat dont let him roam freely. you tame that kid or scare him to obey. this is not only something that will make your waiter like you but everybody will. I love being interrupted while eating out by a child who is walking up and trying to share with you. he then proceeds to give you a twice chewed once purged dinner roll. people keep your kid in check. i love them just not them and restaurants. ORDER TAKE OUT.
next point is. if you go on a date and you are over 18 dont try to flex your manliness. listen bros we are aware of your extra small t shirt and pasty hair. i dont care how loud you can get when you talk or how cool you think it is to order an obscure drink. can i get a strawberry daquiri with kahlua, hand lotion, kettle one vodka, and white out? hey bro you are not cool get water. also. i know you are on a date but order your food. 45 minutes of you telling her about your workout plan and creatine induced diet is not that flattering. just shut up and order. you can get coffee or your soy chai latte if you want to talk for hours. please bro just get real and eat.she is not caring about what you got to say. anyways as i stated in the beginning this could probably be a book. so i will cut myself off. low tippers is another story and weirdos who request women is another. but to the food industry workers i salute you and praise you for your patience with the occasional stupid person who strolls in. also all the rules are completley void for dennys, ihop, waffle house, pee wees chicken and waffles, village inn, chilis, applebees, and a few other ghettoed out places.

7-11 my home away from home

So I go to 711 twice a day usually.Once around 11-2 at night. The other time somewhere between 8-11 in the morning. Going to 711 is not something i do out of necessity but something i do as more of a routine. I think i am not the only individual who does this. I know the workers by monikers i have come up with them. For example Raj (actual name) that dude who stinks, that weird girl who listens to stupid hip hop, that dude who is overly friendly and ask me do i need a bag for my big gulp like it is malt liquor, and finally rajs brother who greets me as "chief" in the morning. Well I have also noticed some people are always there. At night there is the group of guys who thinks it increases their status to go there. They take time off their summer sales meetings and put in their finest pomade to shop at 711. They also drown in Aqua Di Gio and pop their hollister collar. These are the repulsive people that refer to raj by name after every sentence. then there are the girls. they usually come in sweatpants or 80s gear from dancing. They hope the guy with his collar popped does not start a conversation.Or they hope they do because the girls are just experiencing college and the desperation of provo males. then there are the usuals who go just because. you see them in there trying to find a late night snack and continue thier horrible affair with college studying. In the morning you get all the crazy old people. i saw a guy this morning with a glass eye. But my overall favorite character and voted most shadiest person in Provo is the homeless guy that hangs out there. I have noticed that this homeless guy is a real trashy with a hint of classy. For example most homeless people bum money for beer. He on the other hand bums money for colombian roast coffee in the morning. Some bum money for chips, he on the other hand bums for the fruit they have in the basket.Some bums sit in the sun and talk crazy. He can be seen on the corner of University and 8th reading the paper. So obviously this homeless man is the Bentley of homelessness. So the other day when I think man this guy cant get classier, I go to 7-11 I see my homeless 7-11er at the coffee pot. I go to scope his attire. I look, he is of course wearing his usual seamless trash bags. But then I notice he has got sunglasses. Thats right UV rays stay out his life. I then notice they are Chanel sunglasses, the classiest homeless man ever. He then goes to pay for his coffee, he pulls out a Louis Vouitton coin purse. I mean this guy is now classier than anybody else in the store. Decked out in trash bags and designer accesories for the spring.

gots the money

So pretty much there are some things that i learned about utah in my living here. 1)guys wear more hair product then girls 2) people actually still shop at american eagle and abercrombie and think there cool 3)people are quick to start a "business" and claim they got bank 4) it snows way to much 5) everybody knows how to play an acoustic guitar no matter how bad they suck.
So as far as the third above listed. today i am driving to work. i get behind a saturn, this saturn has damage like it has been through hurricane katrina. Anyway the saturn abd i both go to the same gas station. He pulls to the gas pump so do i. I read the back of his car, it has a huge sticker that reads "want to make 50k a month from home, call me." Then i think man this guy in this beat up saturn is making 600k a year. He must not want to show his money. I then wait for this small business owner to step out to scope his attire. He is wearing a wife beater and pair of rustlers and flip flops. Ok so 600k a year cant buy a car better than a saturn, jeans better than rustlers, and a jacket to put over your hairy chest. So i kindly smile at the guy and say "man 50k a month is alot, what do you do?" he then looks at me and replies " real estate investing" I then look and say " what kind" he replies "well i got this interesting oppurtunity" I interrupt repeat "what kind" he then replies"hear me out" I then reply "commercial, residential, FSBOs, apartments, section 8, etc. etc." this guy looks at me and says "what do you do for income" i answer "i am a product of the recession" "i sell lightbubs" (this was a lie) he then replies " have you ever thought about starting your own business" and i said " can i end up like you?" he then says "sure can" I said "great" he then proceeded to tell me about all the money i can make. I then proceed to tell him about how i dont want to drive a saturn, wear rustlers, and wife beaters. This man got offended and drove off. He didnt even fill up his car. Two days later, I am getting an oil change see the same car in the parking lot. An attendant comes to my window. I look at the guy his shirt says "rob". it was the same "rob" who makes 50k a month. I said hey rob good to see you again. He gives me a snarl. I said oil change and i will tip you if you do a good job. I think this guy probably some how sabotaged my car or that he will kill me soon. If i die find Rob at the jiffy lube in Alpine Utah.

Crazy White kid

As I have attended college I have learned a few important things 1. you spend four years to learn how to become an employee 2. there is always a kid who listens to only his opinion in every class 3. there are alot of people trying to find themselves in college. So going off the third point that I have discovered in my college life, when people are trying to find themselves they usually base it off others. So the other day I am sitting in the hall of flags studying, making fun of others, and sipping on a Gatorade i took from the cafeteria, I notice a young white man. Now this was no ordinary white boy. He actually looked quite gangsteresque to say the least. This is how he appeared, Caucasian, baggy shorts, long black t, a Montreal expos hat tilted to the side straight bill, i pod, and a pair of air force ones. So anyways you think to yourself this guy is "hood". He comes and sits beside me, because one of his homeboys is a seat down. They start talking. This is how I appear at that moment, slacks, leather loafers, pinstripe shirt, paisley tie, hair fixed, and sipping on Gatorade. I think to myself, man this cousin of bubba sparks could only be from l.a or off the cast of I love New York 2. Anyways so he is talking to his boy about underground hip hop. I lean over to the guy eventually and say "hey man where you from?". This guy replies Wyoming.
WYOMING!!!!!!!!!!! you are hood from wyoming.

This is the part where i wanted to slap this son of a cattle driver in the face. I grew up as the minority in my high school, I understand hood and speak some ebonics. This fool is from WY. Thats right the state where there are more cows than people. The state where they have a white point guard and a white running back. The state where they carry guns to hunt not for protection. There population is 97% white and the state motto is equal rights. Equal rights for who? oh wait all the white people.So it goes back to my question: how can you be hood when you aint got a hood? I guess the mountains are ghetto. The only doo rags they wear is bandannas to keep dust out there face while ranching.

So this hood guy is talking like he is off of a lil wayne mixtape. He is using slang and garbage. The moral of the story is if you were in a real hood you would be dead. This guy was shooting dice at yahtzee with his family instead of shooting a dice in an alley sipping cognac. I dont run around saying vato or homes because i dont know any mexican gangsters.

Homelessness

So i recently decided to make a last of things i am grateful for as part of a class project. Stuff like i am grateful not to stink, to have a nice family, and to be able to survive in the wilderness for long periods of time with no contact from society. This made me think: could i be homeless? And then i realized oh wait! I dont like homeless people. This has come thorugh continual exposure to homeless people. For two years i saw them. First i was christ like and was like oh wait a homeless person i will be nice and give them money. Now i am to the point if you are homeless and i am nice and you dont have manners, i am going to punch you in the throat. Example, the other day in SLC, I spy a homeless person I grab a random wad of cash and give it them. They respond with nothing. No thank you, No smile or headnod, I thought about saying your welcome to be a jerk. I refrained. Instead I walked away just knowing that if I become homeless I am going to be a grateful, portly, homeless man. I will dance for nickels and sing for quarters. This is not being mean or a punk, its just simple If you want my money homeless people, you better get loose to get your bottle of grey goose. also i would suck at being homeless cause i cant grow no facial hair because my momma is asian

tailored pants and obnoxious honkeys

So this blog is basically dedicated to the white trash saltines that bring me down. So i like to have my pants tailored to make me feel like i got cash flow. the other day i go to a new tailor (ess), she looks at me all with the stank eye. i look at her with the stank eye. She then ask in her white trash mannerisms "what chu want", I then reply "this is a tailor shop, what you think i want?", I got to get my pants fitting right lady. So i step up on the stool she then proceeds to grab and tuck and asking how do i like my pants. I then tell her. The white trash queen then has a phone call probably from one of the following 1. her cousin who is the father of her child 2. her meth dealer 3. or a payday advance place looking for thier cash. She is talking on the phone frantically while still pinning my pants. Take into mind that this seamtress looks at though her hand eye coordination aint nothing to brag about. I could tell when somebody is uncoordinated. Or maybe its the massive amount of Pabsts Blue Ribbon that she gulped on her way to her seamstress haven. She might have been swervin you never know. Anyways so she is still talking and pinning. She is in the zipper region pinning. So next thing you know my white trash love affair is over as she has stabbed me with a pin and violated my happiness.Moral of the story: I got stabbed in the junk with a pin.Honkeys and pins dont mix. The End