Monday, June 8, 2009

How to treat a waiter.

Ok so I waited tables before. I think everyone has done something with food to get by. I kind of likes waiting tables. Its fairly easy. Its fairly fun. and you get straight cash and food. I love the food part because i am a portly white man. I have noticed a few things in my life 1) there are idiots everywhere 2) people on airplanes have BO 3) indie kids are all the same, therefore voiding thier indieness 4) stupid people choose to eat out also. Just on the 4th principle you can write a book. If you think there are no faux pas in eating out then you are one of the stupid people. here are things to avoid. first thing read the menu. It is what waiters are trained off of.there learning capacity is limited to the same thing you got in your hand. The other night while eating sushi a girl asked what is in the cucumber, avocado roll. Well stupid person if you read the menu cucumber and avocado. Its not that difficlut. Do you expect your waiter to say "oh we actually put horse glue and tilapia in that roll." thats all i am saying avoid the obvious. whats in your salad? hmmmm lettuce. also when you eat out dont great your waiter by there name every time they move. like hey rob thanks for the ticket, or thanks for the food rob, or can i get salt rob, or where you from rob. waiters dont want to be your friends unless you pay them. thats right people waiters sell thier lil souls on a nightly basis. they dont want to guess your weight, shake your hand, or drink whiskey sours with you while watching the game. Also waiters do not like when you complain about something small. "uh you forgot my straw" or "uh this dressing is on the side" if they are not busy and they are texting or talking to other waiters its ok to be as rude as you want. if you go out to dinner just simply remember the server is not your slave child that you can mistreat. that brings me to the next point Keep That Bug Eyed, Spaghetti Faced, Noodle throwing monster child at the house. If your kid is buck wild at the house he is the same in public. oh lil johnny stabbed a kid with a matchbox car today lets reward him by taking him out to dinner. This is a warning. Not one person in that eating establishment likes that kid but you. The people who smile at him going in or smiling because they are leaving and getting away from that child. If your child does not want to sit in his seat dont let him roam freely. you tame that kid or scare him to obey. this is not only something that will make your waiter like you but everybody will. I love being interrupted while eating out by a child who is walking up and trying to share with you. he then proceeds to give you a twice chewed once purged dinner roll. people keep your kid in check. i love them just not them and restaurants. ORDER TAKE OUT.
next point is. if you go on a date and you are over 18 dont try to flex your manliness. listen bros we are aware of your extra small t shirt and pasty hair. i dont care how loud you can get when you talk or how cool you think it is to order an obscure drink. can i get a strawberry daquiri with kahlua, hand lotion, kettle one vodka, and white out? hey bro you are not cool get water. also. i know you are on a date but order your food. 45 minutes of you telling her about your workout plan and creatine induced diet is not that flattering. just shut up and order. you can get coffee or your soy chai latte if you want to talk for hours. please bro just get real and eat.she is not caring about what you got to say. anyways as i stated in the beginning this could probably be a book. so i will cut myself off. low tippers is another story and weirdos who request women is another. but to the food industry workers i salute you and praise you for your patience with the occasional stupid person who strolls in. also all the rules are completley void for dennys, ihop, waffle house, pee wees chicken and waffles, village inn, chilis, applebees, and a few other ghettoed out places.