Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Toast to Bio

Since I am in a bro major I usually dont take a whole lot of classes with girls. The bros in my major tend to use some classes as a recruiting ground for the weekend fun trips. This semester I have to take a couple of classes that I have been to lazy to take or really had no desire to take. One of the classes that seems to be overloaded with young girls that a lot of bros seem to predator on is Biology. Nothing beats impressing a young girl with your knowledge of prokaryote organisms. This class seems to be filled with an odd assortment of people. To my left sits the washed up emo kid. The washed up emo kid is really smart but to apathetic to show it. He is in that weird stage of transitioning from emo to scenester. He sits slouchy in his chair and dreams of a day filled with tim burton movies and the used playing all day. He wishes this place would magically turn into a cadaver lab. To my right sits the kid that somehow has made it into college. He is a local kid who smoked way to much herb growing up. He has since cleaned up his act but not before he lost his critical thinking skills. Sometimes you want to throw a helmet on the kid and tell him not to eat his crayons. He doodles a ton in his Lisa Frank notebook. This is also the kid that steals condiments from the eatery just to eat them out of the packages. In front of me sits the kid who treats this class like it is going to get him into Harvard Med. He always has some question or some quote. He never fails to raise his hand and post his test score publicly. I will probably drop kick this kid in the esophagus before the end of semester. Next to me sits the 30+ year old lady who is going back to finish her degree. This lady is cool and brought me no bake cookies the other day so I have nothing ill to say about her. Behind me sits the crown jewel of this little class. I call her Bro Bait. She walks in with the classic Utah poofie hair. You dont know if she has a bump it or not. She is quickly amused by the following a big ol truck, a golds gym pass, a lunch at cafe rio, bedazzled jeans, and a backwards cap that covers his eye brows. The bros show up early for class and try to get that seat so they can impress her. This class has been great for me as I listen to them give their personal ad right there in class. Bio you treat me well. Im glad I have waited this long to take you.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Whaccu Doin This Summer?

I like to listen to what people have to say. Sometimes I only listen to make fun and this is probably a really bad thing. The other day in the hall I was listening as Bro 1 was showing Bro 2 an iPhone app. He was showing him some app that could arm someones security system from their Iphone. Bro 2 then turns to Bro 1 and simply states "alright more sales." This conversation eventually said to one of the greatest questions that could be posed among this circle of friends. The question is simply "yo, so whacchu doing this summer" This question is a hook. Its then usually followed up with a question that begins with "have you ever thought of." Examples are have you ever thought of making 90k in three months? Have you ever wanted to have a different car for everyday of the week? Have you ever wanted to do lines of cocaine with Paris Hilton in your Ferrari? If yes to any of these questions then summer sales is usually cut out for you. It seems that a lot of these young men who get lured into sales love to recruit others to do the same. If you make a friend quickly at school he always has something up his sleeve. If he invites you to dinner on him, he is for sure trying to get you in. If you want a great summer knocking doors in some random part of the US and receiving promises of the good life then go ahead. If you want to take advantage of nice people, this is your summer. The bros will come to recruit you when you least expect it. Thats when you have to make the snap decision; hanging out with Vin Diesel or being a normal person

Monday, June 21, 2010

Where are the normal folk?

I have learned that there are a lot of great people in this world. I have also learned there are a lot of odd people in this world. I enjoy both. It seems that there are places that act as a mecca for weirdos. To find older weirdos please attend any local Cracker Barrel. Its simple this place has all the makings of people who will say crazy senile things. Checker Boards,rocking chairs, moon pies, christmas trinkets all year round, and biscuits.What else has all these features? A convolescant home. Add meds and you are simply in a convolascent home cafteria. If you ever want to see the creepy old man you dont want to become eating chicken livers on a saturday morning, please attend this establishment. To find the pre-teen weirdos is the mall. Who really goes to the mall once you are over 13? The mall is self explanatory. The "I got something to prove, alpha male weirdo" can be found at any establishment that is open 24 hours. These guys go to the extreme. Nothin like a chicken soft taco at 4 AM or a stack of flapjacks from Ihop at 3 AM. Nothing says cool like hanging with your bros and being loud and obnoxious in the early AM. But the "I might be a serial killer or potential rapist or running from something weirdo" can be found at a few places. I tend to however find these guys on plane rides longer than two hours. You know that guy who hogs the armrest, has a combover, a short sleeve button down shirt, and smells like corn nuts when he doesnt have any? thats this weirdo. These guys talk about everything. They talk about their divorce, their childhood, and all their problems. These are the guys who get from vacation and sit in their cubicle hating life. These are the guys that fly and sit beside you. I have never and probably will never sit by a normal human while flying. They always ask Where you headed? where do you think im headed fool, this aint no bus or taxi an airplane doesnt drop you off along the way, it has a destination. The "name dropping, acronym using, bleach blond weirdo" can be found a lot of places to. Mainly places that they can tweet or update the FB status on the go. "OMG, LOL, ROFcopter, I went to the tanning both and now at Yogurt" They are not that hard to find.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Your annoying on Facebook

Everyone has facebook. Your boss, your mom,your half retarded cousin, the guy who was a nerd in high school and now has tats galore, the one kid you thought was gay who turned out to be gay, the aunt that you hate at christmas, the kid in class that smelled like fritos all the time. You get the point if they breathe and can type they got facebook.As great as this tool is for alot of things there are certain people who annoy me on this social networking site.
1) The dude who likes everything regardless. He likes all your events, status, photos, and comments no matter how crazy it is. You can put on there that you just found out you have cancer and for some reason this guy will thumbs up that crap.
2) Constant status updater. Why do I care if you are eating 5 guys? why do i care if somebody is giving you a weird look? why do i care if you have four finals left?
3) Farmville request. Cmon man. Stop sending me requests. If I could be William Sherman and burn your farm to the ground, I might play it. If I could have a farm ran by the drug cartel and come kill your farmers, I might play it. Overall stop sending me requests.
4) The creepster add. Theres always a fine line, should I add this person or not? But then there is the creepster add with the message affixed. Like "hey remember me from Meteorology class" No man I dont, I took that crap online. Why are you adding me? Isnt 180000 friends for you enough?
5) The misplaced comment. i.e. Ryan Cason likes pancakes : comment- hey long time, how are you?. Fool that has nothing to do with pancakes.

Oh facebook sometimes I have you just to make fun of others. Someone should really make a faux pas list of facebook and invite people to join that group/cause

Monday, April 5, 2010

Bro Schedule

11:00 AM- Wake up to alarm clock blaring Creeds greatest hits, fold Ed Hardy PJs, Make sure hair is still in perfect shape from previous night
11:15- Study self in mirror to still make sure you are the alpha male
12:00- Shower using only the finest of Axe ointments
12:15- Stand over humidifier filled with aqua di gio, get dressed, wifebeater, true religions, affliction t
12:30- Hair time, gel overload
1:00- Inspiration time- Watch Jersey Shore and UFC on split screen for motivation
1:30- Get in lifted truck with volcom sticker, crank up the limp bizkit on the zune and go
2:00- Bro arrival at school, meets with another bro, cracks open a six pack of muscle milk and red bulls and sit in the hall
3:00- Bro goes to class, usaully sits by bleach blonde girl, Bro talks about his strong forearms and his business major, usually invited girl to his study group, if another bro is in the room this will usually result in a bro-block (flexing pecs to draw in the female)
4:15- Bro gets out of class and he is ultra torqued, listens to kings of leon on the zune to calm his nerves, drinks a muscle milk, figures it time to work
4:30- Bro goes to work at the library or school bookstore not as an employee but as a recruiter, Greets others with Whacchu doing this summer? Then tells them about his deal he has to sell something door to door and how you can get chicks all summer
5:00- Bro needs to refuel with red bull and spray on tan
6:00- Heads over to throw down to practice grappling other men
7:00- Prepares for the sun to go down, Re gel hair, Re axe spray body, put on sunglasses ( this is essential to Bro-ness, someone once said nobody but blind people and douches wear sunglasses at night)
8:30- Load friends up in lifted truck
9:00- Del Taco, 7/11, ride around freshman dorms
10:00- attend local club, drink energy drink again, go dance-rape a girl, then try to get on another girl, go look in the bathroom mirror and say the bro mantra, which is "I am the alpha male, all women want me, all men want to be me, I am the alpha male"
11:00- Go hut tubbing with Chicks
12:00- Take the chicks around in your truck
2:00- Curl up in your Ed Hardy Bed sheets and lay to sleep,
2:15- send out booty call text
2:30- accidently fall asleep and dream of a land full of spray on tanned girls with white/blonde hair