Thursday, January 26, 2012

Emotions through Emoticons

If a picture says 1000 words then an emoticon tells 0. Im not anti emoticon however im anti the over use of emoticons and acronyms whenever there is no use for it. The other day while in Smiths someone text me where are you? I reply smiths they reply "I <3 that store :) LOL" I text back "I didnt LUL" to which the response is ":).....K :)" So this would be acceptable if this were a 13 year old little sister. I dont have a teenage little sister. There are a few things wrong with this conversation. 1)we are grown ups 2) you saying you like Smiths does not make me laugh 3)it takes longer for me to find the <3 emoticon than to type out the word love. The only appropriate acronym to follow the first text would be K.M.I.T.F.C.I.S which means kick me in the face cause Im stupid. Duh. People dont understand how little a text will make me laugh out loud. Its semi psychotic to be going around laughing at a phone. Dont get me wrong ill laugh at funny texts all day but not to you liking Smiths. I will also laugh at the angry birds game. Why dont the birds snort or inject some Prozac? Thats a game I want Angry Prozac Birds Junkees and after you win the game you play a game like intervention.
The second text the :).....:) text looks like you were smiling then had a seizure and now you are recovered. Why does me not laughing cause such a happy seizure? I dont really understand why you are so satisfied with my sarcasm via text. I wish there was a im a sarcastic jerk sometimes emoticon. Maybe this person is so smiley because they are taking the Prozac thats supposed to be for angry birds. Ive decided to start texting ROFLcopter and that way whenever I text it I will have to get on the ground no matter where im at and spin on the ground laughing. My Emoticons will match my emotions from now on.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Hipster or Homeless

The other day I was driving in Salt Lake and came across the Occupy Salt Lake movement. This movement was originally started in the same park that the homeless people in Salt Lake reside it has since moved. As i was sitting at the red light a group crossed the road. The fog of dirtiness followed this mob. This brought me to question what the hipster to homeless ratio was. I then tried to find where these two sub cultures differ. The result is very little. These are a list of the things i find hard to differentiate in.
1)View on Society- Hipster may say- The World is to mainstream so i made my own. Homeless- The world is to mainstream so they kicked me out.
2)The incorporation of layering flannel. Both seem to use flannel as the end result of dress/ Jacket + Jacket + chunky sweater= alot of flannel
3)Greasy. Both groups are extremely greasy. They appear to have rolled around in a trough of Crisco.
4)Tattoos. If you ever ask a homeless person about a tattoo it usually has some cracked out story behind it. "hey cool tattoo what is it?" homeless guy replies "its a pin up sailor girl playing basketball with mulan" If you address the same question to a hipster you might get something like "its a pizza slice from this really good place in some abandoned alley" The results: both groups get stupid tattoos
5)Government. Hipster- Government is evil and out to get them. Homeless- Government is out to get them and put a microchip in their head. We all know I Robot was about the homeless.
6)Alcohol- If you see a Pabst Blue Ribbon can its coming from one of these two.
7)Job- Hipster- Always starting a business "uh yeah im starting a business that makes snow organic" the result is unemployed. Homeless- Always has a business idea thats unattainable. The result is unemployed
8)Beanie. No matter what time of year it is both groups will be sporting a beanie with whatever they have on or the weather. 102 outside oh let me put on a beanie
9)Food. both prefer places that are off the grid. Hipsters- Some place you never heard of. Homeless- some place you never thought of
10) Theologian- If you ever have questions in regards to theology address either one of these and you will get great answers. Ive met a homeless guy who claimed he was Jesus. Ive also met a hipster who claimed to be a nihilist Mormon. You will for sure get an answer that is to deep for the ordinary person to understand.

I'm glad that the hipsters and homeless have united in a cause. My only hopes would be that they would band together go in the middle of the desert a community full of people who smell bad AKA Burning Man

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

im gonna blog weekly about dumb crap

51 is the new 15

It seems that most 15 year old girls would find it pretty hard to relate to 51 year old moms and vice versa. Well luckily a lot of moms are trying to relate through their dressing habits. Theres either a lot of moms wearing bedazzled jeans or people on meth who are 15 who are just fitting in. The bedazzling of clothes have united the girls and their moms in a I look like the wrestler Golddust contest. This new movement was finally brought to my attention a couple of days ago as I sat in Zupas. There I was going to order my food and the smell of hairspray and what I perceive David Bowie smells like hit me. I then pay attention to the couple in front of me. It was a mom (maybe) and her daughter.The mom is wearing these pants that looked like she had been rolling around in a mardi gras parade, her hair was poofy, and her makeup said 15 but her face said 51. The daughter was dressed like she just came out of some redneck beauty pageant. Her makeup usage was equivalent to a cracked out rodeo clown who had a baby with Ronald McDonald. While in line behind this power duo I heard them address such topics as twilight, foods being "eewwie" and the boy that the girl went to homecoming with not being cute. I would rather slide down a slide of razor blades and land in a pool of rubbing alcohol then to be trapped behind these two again. As they got their sandwiches and salad i had a few thoughts 1)thank god i have a "cool" mom who always is herself 2)meth has to add 36 years. Surely a mom does not act like that and it was just two 15 year olds hanging out. So if youre a 15 year old meth user please stop wearing bedazzled clothes and big hair and embrace being white trash. If youre a 51 year old mom who dresses and acts like this please start using meth or start acting your age. Your clothes and langauge say 15 but your wrinkles say 51.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I can relate to you.....bro

Recently I was in a forced situation with a number of ignorant people. As you can probably tell i found this situation amusing. I prefer to not communicate in these situations but I love to listen as it helps me to "relate" to people. I usually find these conversations hilarious as some pearls of wisdom come out of them. Perhaps the most intelligent statement that came from this conversation was when one kid was talking to the other kid about the struggles of Intro to college algebra. As they continued to talk about their struggles with the class the one boy cloaked in an affliction T shirt looked at the other one who fashions a faux hawk said "Bro.... If i were Asian I would have no problems with math" At this point my ears perked up and I, a partial Asian who struggled with math, asked "why is that". Afflicted Bro responds "all Asians are good at math" I reply "oh yeah 100% percent of the 100 bazillion Asian people are good at math." This was quickly followed by another fundamentally ignorant statement by Afflicted bro "yeah bro, that's what I'm saying." I decided there was three options here 1) Continue as an undercover dude 2) quickly google on my phone the easiest way to make myself go deaf for a short time 3) continue to read about Casey Anthony. I chose the 3rd. Ive did learn from that night that I would use my genetic pre disposal as my excuse for anything in life. I'm pretty sure that listening in class, studying, and applying yourself would overcome the fact that you were born white. Ive decided to make a list of my lacks and blame it on what race I'm not instead of my laziness towards certain things.

If only my parents were black i would be in the NBA or a good dancer
If only my parents were Dominican I would be in the MLB or a good dancer

All this time i thought somehow i was responsible for my lacks turns out it is my genetic predisposition.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Kiosk Life

Welcome to the holidays. It seems that one person from my family always wants something that requires me to make a journey to the mail. The mall is a perfect grab bag of people that are funny. People that you wonder where they came from? and why are they here? The mall seems to be a gathering place of collection of motley characters. I feel that people I encounter at the mall are the same people I encounter on airplanes and on a bus ride. As I first walked in the mall the other day I first saw a guy with a wife beater and a pair of basketball shorts. Since he was wearing this outfit while it was 38 degrees outside i knew it would be a good day. You can also view goth kids, emo kids, bros, people with bejeweled jeans, and Utah hair. As I was walking to the store viewing all these people parading in the mall mixed in with old people exercising I forgot about the worse type of mall people. The Kioskers or the Billy Mays people of the mall. Look man I realize you have to acquire a job post summer sales but dont try to use tactics on me. If i wanted to buy a cell phone from Cricket I would approach you. There is no need to yell like the dude selling popcorn at baseball games. I see your cheesy sign and see your bleached tips. They have all kinds of weird gifts at kiosks. Aprons that flirt, stickers, huge watches, and hd sunglasses. Amongst all of the kiosk people is my most hated mall person, the guy who rubs salt on your skin to make it smooth. This guy will not take no for an answer. He will just walk up to you and throw it on. He will not stop talking to you even if you fake a phone call. He will not stop following you. He just wants you to have the salt experience. The only reason I can think of why this guy is this pushy is because he is a crack head paid commission only in crack. So when you go to the mall watch out for this possibly creepy crackhead who just wants to throw salt on you to smooth your skin.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Toast to Bio

Since I am in a bro major I usually dont take a whole lot of classes with girls. The bros in my major tend to use some classes as a recruiting ground for the weekend fun trips. This semester I have to take a couple of classes that I have been to lazy to take or really had no desire to take. One of the classes that seems to be overloaded with young girls that a lot of bros seem to predator on is Biology. Nothing beats impressing a young girl with your knowledge of prokaryote organisms. This class seems to be filled with an odd assortment of people. To my left sits the washed up emo kid. The washed up emo kid is really smart but to apathetic to show it. He is in that weird stage of transitioning from emo to scenester. He sits slouchy in his chair and dreams of a day filled with tim burton movies and the used playing all day. He wishes this place would magically turn into a cadaver lab. To my right sits the kid that somehow has made it into college. He is a local kid who smoked way to much herb growing up. He has since cleaned up his act but not before he lost his critical thinking skills. Sometimes you want to throw a helmet on the kid and tell him not to eat his crayons. He doodles a ton in his Lisa Frank notebook. This is also the kid that steals condiments from the eatery just to eat them out of the packages. In front of me sits the kid who treats this class like it is going to get him into Harvard Med. He always has some question or some quote. He never fails to raise his hand and post his test score publicly. I will probably drop kick this kid in the esophagus before the end of semester. Next to me sits the 30+ year old lady who is going back to finish her degree. This lady is cool and brought me no bake cookies the other day so I have nothing ill to say about her. Behind me sits the crown jewel of this little class. I call her Bro Bait. She walks in with the classic Utah poofie hair. You dont know if she has a bump it or not. She is quickly amused by the following a big ol truck, a golds gym pass, a lunch at cafe rio, bedazzled jeans, and a backwards cap that covers his eye brows. The bros show up early for class and try to get that seat so they can impress her. This class has been great for me as I listen to them give their personal ad right there in class. Bio you treat me well. Im glad I have waited this long to take you.